This endearing caricature was found on a door in the ladies washroom of my favourite bar in Kensington. I hope to God a woman drew it. Either Todd the artist snuck in and drew a quickie, or this is a revealing portrait of a skinhead perv in his cups. Someone thought it was Out of Order too, which made me laugh even harder. Hey, at least the toilet flushed! Todd McCalpin, wherever you are, fat, bald, horny…you are now officially famous! Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, or a woman tanked out on tequila armed with a Sharpie. Watch out John – you could be next.
No, we’re not talking about bark of the canine variety. This bark is of an entirely different sort altogether. Apparently this stuff is supposed to help men keep it up. Traditionally known as bois bandé in Caribbean culture, this hardy substance is a cult favourite, especially amongst men of African descent. Boil, drink, and you might find yourself barking with pleasure all night long. Drink too much and you might find yourself in ER with priapism, a very painful condition where the sap won’t leave the…trunk. Some guys think it’s worth the risk. This one certainly did. He was proud to show it off. I asked him whether it worked. He grinned slyly and said nothing. I guess there’s a secret society of middle aged men who belong to Brotherhood Bark who hold secret, full moon gatherings where they ingest this mysterious elixir, engage in orgiastic rituals and exchange notes afterwards. Thank God I’m not invited.
Personally, I don’t know which is more toxic; a waste dump or one of those ridiculous, chemically laden air fresheners. And this one doesn’t list any ingredients whatsoever…mmm dodgy. Air fresheners come in a mad variety of scents, but who the hell wants to layer vanilla ice cream over buttfunk? Seriously. Alibi has violated my childhood memories of this creamy dessert, all in the name of capitalism. I guess the ad execs up at Alibi thought it would be swell to give peeps a great excuse to pretend the toilet won’t stink after dropping a bomb. “Bowel movements got you down? Don’t be shy – use Alibi!” The next visitor will become horribly confused by the ghastly combination of sweet-stank molecules, but you won’t give a shit. And after getting one whiff of that ungodly odor, neither will they.
Got this OBG off the cover of Mad Magazine, Special Number Seven, with Richard Nixon on the cover. It doesn’t get much better than this. And to think kids had access to this in 1972. Those were the days! Politically incorrect was a term that hadn’t even been invented yet. Mad magazine exploited that loophole to the hilt, with its irreverent brand of satire running the gamut from movies to politics to pop culture. Nothing was sacrosanct to the folks at Mad. So it wasn’t much of a stretch for them to put a picture of a dead junkie’s arm on the cover. What a laff! Kids would get the message (SMACK KILLS), their parents would laugh and think the whole thing droll. Try putting an image like that on a kiddie mag nowadays and see where that will get ya…
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